I guess this is a title...

"Wagon Guy drives a Boostang" (gimmeboost)
01/08/2019 at 06:35 • Filed to: None

We need a buffer so here’s a photo of a row of Cobra replicas...

Over the summer I made a series of posts about drama with my teenage daughter:

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In a nutshell, drama between daughter’s boyfriend and my ex-wife led the daughter to do some stupid things. That never stopped. While I would love to say that the daughter came to her senses and dropped the idiot boyfriend like a rock, that wouldn’t be true.

This past Sunday I got an unexpected phone call from her. She opened it weirdly, “Hi dad, you know that tattoo you have with stars for each of us kids and stuff? You’re going to have to add another star in August.”

So, yeah. I have a tattoo on my left arm, that runs up to my shoulder. On my shoulder are three large stars, one for each of my daughters. Next to the star for my oldest are two small stars, representing my grandkids. There’s enough room there for more, but when I spoke with all three of them at Christmas the verdict was that I wouldn’t have to add any more any time soon. So to say that I was shocked by the phone call is an understatement. She had been on the birth control shots for a long while, and the understanding with my ex-wife was that she wasn’t taking chances with it and was making sure the kid went in to get them. Yeah, I was off guard on this one. I thought other people were doing what they said they would do.

I chose the high road, and didn’t go off on her. I figure that she and her mother have had a lot of conversation about this before she called me, so nothing I could say in that moment would matter to her. Or as my father reminded us recently, “if you don’t have something nice to say it’s better to say nothing.”

I found out from the ex that our lovely soon-to-be 18 daughter skipped her injection appointment. This strikes me then as a deliberate choice on the part of that girl who then had sex with a 20 year old boy who still hasn’t graduated high school.

She had been planning on going to college and becoming a doctor after she finishes high school this spring. With a due date in August she won’t be heading off to school in the fall. My daughter is a planner. She makes pie-in-the-sky plans for everything and romanticizes about how wonderful things will be once she’s out on her own. At Christmas she was telling the family that she wanted Kitchen stuff for her birthday and graduation to help set up her apartment in the fall. At the moment I’m not sure what her plan is, but I’m sure it includes all of the wonderful life things she had been planning, but now with an extra helping of baby. That’s not realistic at all, but I’m sure it’s in her plan.

I have five child support payments left. Just five. When they’re done the money from dad is cut off. I’m deeply considering cutting off my health insurance for her at the same time. We warned her what the consequences of her actions could be. She chose to continue on a reckless path anyway. I’ll be damned if I can support that. I will continue to love my daughter, but I’m not volunteering to raise her kid, especially with idiot boy as the father.

DISCUSSION (34)

pip bip - choose Corrour > Wagon Guy drives a Boostang
01/08/2019 at 06:46

another child to play with and turn into a car enthusiast one day ( hopefully)

congrats.

Wagon Guy drives a Boostang > pip bip - choose Corrour
01/08/2019 at 07:00

yeah... I wo uld rather she have gone on to college to be a doctor than to be an 18 year-old mother.

farscythe - makin da cawfee! > Wagon Guy drives a Boostang
01/08/2019 at 07:05

*judgey farscythe floats in * nooooooo you’re too young this is a tiny huge mistake!

but i hope im wrong and that all works out for her and thats shes happy ever after

(sorry..mines 16 and has aquired a boyfriend...not playing hide the sausage yet...far as i know... but im sure that statement will be outdated any day now.......happyfuntimes...welp... what you gonna do)

shop-teacher > Wagon Guy drives a Boostang
01/08/2019 at 07:07

As a father of young daughters, this is pretty close to my worst nightmare. I don’t really know what else to say.

I encourage you not to drop her from your health insurance while pregnant. She's still your daughter, and will need that more than ever.

Discerning > Wagon Guy drives a Boostang
01/08/2019 at 07:25

“I’m deeply considering cutting off my health insurance for her at the same time”

I would. But that’s just me.

Thank you for confirming my decision to not have any kids.

Sorry things are so rough with them.

Monkey B > Wagon Guy drives a Boostang
01/08/2019 at 07:30

don’t cut her health insurance if you can afford it. Also, look into the rules on that kind of thing as if she is a student I think you have to carry until they are 23 or something. But if you have the means to keep her insured please do...at least until she has an option of obtaining it elsewhere.

My daughter just turned 24 , she moved out her senior year of high school because rules no longer applied because sh was now 18. She graduated, went to university for a semester. A t the beginning of her 2nd had an accident that, due to not being able to continue school, triggered depression which uncovered a bigger issue. She’s bipolar, and there were some rough years immediately following. She struggles with it a great deal, and when you include being a young adult trying to figure it all out it’s that muc h harder. During the worst of the first few years of this she did enough to push everyone away, but we didn’t budge so easily and now she is starting to show that she recognizes just how much we endured trying to help.

All you can do is love her, and do just that. It’s her life, and while we understand her mistakes she does not. She will some day, and if you push her away or aren’t supportive she will remember that too. Not saying financially, just in general. She knows you are disappointed, she knows the things you do not approve of. Life is going to test her pretty hard these next few years...piling on won’t help. Even though dumb decisions are at the root, they are hers to make and hopefully learn from.

Being the father of an adult is much harder than being daddy to a little girl...so much harder.

themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles > Wagon Guy drives a Boostang
01/08/2019 at 07:45

Had a “co-worker” (he didn’t do much work) who was 18 and kept talking all about how he was planning on doing so many things and getting project cars and guns and going on vacations and stuff. But he couldn’t do the simplest tasks without throwing a tantrum. He knocked up a girl and talked about the plans to marry and stuff but he got fired for not calling in to explain that he was taking her to doctor’s appointments (if he was even doing that).

I told him he has million dollar dreams but only 5 bucks of effort. He started to change but it was too little too late. But last I heard he got a second shift job somewhere else and seemed to be doing well. Hopefully a couple bumps in the road will get yours back on the right path.

Chuckles > Wagon Guy drives a Boostang
01/08/2019 at 07:52

18 is a scary age, because you start to think that you’ve figured everything out. I’m 33 now, and looking back I can say that I didn’t know a damn thing at 18. I made some dumb choices, and my life was shaped (for better or worse) in part by the things I chose at 18.

You are probably right in that your daughter thinks that she can still go off to college and become a doctor with a child at home. But parenthood and college/med school are both pretty much full time professions. Maybe she can do it, but she made things a lot harder for herself.

If she's due in August, it's still pretty early in the pregnancy. So I'll just go ahead and say it: if she realizes that bringing a child into this world at 18 is a terrible idea both for her and that child, she still has options.

random001 > farscythe - makin da cawfee!
01/08/2019 at 07:53

Panic. My plan is to panic.

Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo > Monkey B
01/08/2019 at 08:09

Feels.

Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo > Wagon Guy drives a Boostang
01/08/2019 at 08:10

Parents who thing they’ll just buy their kid a set of luggage when the kid turns 18... Lemme know how that works for you...

Feels.

Dru > Wagon Guy drives a Boostang
01/08/2019 at 08:15

Mate. That’s heavy. We just had a daughter in December, and something like this happening will probably one day be my worst nightmare. I would encourage you to hesitate on dropping her off the insurance. However, some insurances won’t cover pregnancy for the children of the policy holder. Last thing I’ll say, as another commenter has said, she has options. There are likely t ens of thousands of couples who want children but are unable to have them. I personally know at least two young couples like this. Godspeed.

Tapas > Wagon Guy drives a Boostang
01/08/2019 at 09:06

I can’t imagine how you are feeling right now. It is going to be tough no matter how you chose to act.

But now would be the right time to talk to your daughter if you feel this is not the right choice for her to make at this time in her life. Because it will be too late in a few months.
I agree with you that its not the best time to be a m other at 18 . There will be plenty of time in the future to have a child; even with the same person if she so chooses. If she still wants to go down that road , I am at a loss on what to do.

However, if you have faith and confidence in her that she will be happy with her decision and will be able to follow her plans.....then let her live her life and cherish your future grandchild.

TheRealBicycleBuck > Wagon Guy drives a Boostang
01/08/2019 at 09:13

You are living one of my biggest fears. We have conversations with my daughter regularly about how easy it is to screw up her life plans. The boy she is seeing is a moron, but I think all fathers believe that about their daughter’s boyfriends.

I have the same fear for my son. A friend of ours used to brag that he was glad he didn’t have a daughter - while fathers of daughters have to worry about all the penises out there, he only had to worry about one. Well, his son got a girl pregnant. Because of the age difference (he was 15, she was 19), his name didn’t go on the birth certificate. If it had, the hospital would h a ve reported her for statutory rape. Now his son is fighting his girlfriend over parental rights because she’s turned into an irresponsible mom (go figure). At least he’s trying to do the right thing. He now realizes he set himself up for a hard life.

I hope the best for you and your daughter. Try not to punish the grandchild for your daughter’s choices. Give the kid a fighting chance. Encourage adoption. If that doesn’t fly, at least support them through health care. The daughter might not deserve it, the boyfriend certainly doesn’t, but that little kid does.

TysMagic > Wagon Guy drives a Boostang
01/08/2019 at 09:50

I’m with Wagon Guy here.

While this is not comforting , my half sister did the same thing in her first year of college. Fortunately the guy was very good for her overall, however he left and she went down a terrible road with drugs and what not. Had another kid along the way too! It took the father taking the oldest kid away from my sister for her to come to her senses. (though it was 10/11 years before that happened). Now for the comforting part, s he has recently graduated college and is working as a nurse if I remember correctly. She’s come back around as a person and a parent. It was a dreadful experience, but she’s finally gotten back to someone I think my father is proud of.

I don’t wish that long of a road on you, but hopefully things do turn around.

E92M3 > Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo
01/08/2019 at 09:52

I read an article a while back about how the US is one of the few countries that rushes to put kids out on their own at 18 yrs old, and how that can cause a lot of problems. Many aren’t mentally mature enough to make solid choices for each decision they will face. From accumu lating large amounts of debt, to a record number of overdoses and a ddiction. We all want our kids to become self sufficient, and respon sible young adults but there is no magic number for when the time is right to do so

I n many other countries it’s common for kids to stay home thru college, and even a couple years into their career so they can save up for a sizeable down payment towards a home.

nermal > Wagon Guy drives a Boostang
01/08/2019 at 10:08

This is something that’s very easy to be a back-seat driver on, but is surely extremely difficult to deal with if you’re the one going through it.

FSI > themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles
01/08/2019 at 10:23

Sounds like my cousin o.O

JawzX2, Boost Addict. 1.6t, 2.7tt, 4.2t > Wagon Guy drives a Boostang
01/08/2019 at 10:32

I have no advice, I am childless by choice and plan to remain so for the very reason that I don’t want to have to try to figure out what to do in a situation like this... So I’ll just tell you about a friend from college: We’ll call her K. K got pregnant in highschool at 16 , graduated early , had the kid, du mped the idiot father, didn’t even take a year off and started as a freshman with a 6-month old baby. She graduated on time, with honors, and though she has continued to show extremely poor taste in men (after divorce number three that not a single of her friends were surprised about, she has pledged to avoid men for two years... We’re still seeing how that goes...) She has raised a daughter that is graduating from Sarah Lawrence next year and is as responsible and smart as any one I’ve met that age...(damn, I feel old now) Her two other kids are also doing well, (ages 8 and 4), she completed an MBA, and CPA and she owns her own tax prep and consultancy firm with 5 employees. She was a foster kid and although she’s made some peace with her mother, her father is still in jail. Success is still possible.

Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo > E92M3
01/08/2019 at 11:00

Or build a cabin for themselves on the same farm as the parents of one of the spouses when they marry. I’m with you. I have lots of experience with this in my family and in families close to mine.

Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo > Wagon Guy drives a Boostang
01/08/2019 at 11:02

I have much similar experience, but I’d rather not share about it in this space. Shoot me an email if you like, oliphant.chuckerbutty@gmail.com

You are far, far, far from alone in having circumstances such as these to reckon with.

Tripper > Chuckles
01/08/2019 at 12:44

+1 I was an idiot into my late 20's

Chuckles > Tripper
01/08/2019 at 12:47

I can still be pretty dumb at 33, but at least at this age I can recognize that I still don't know what I'm doing, whereas at 18 I thought that I knew it all.

Tripper > Chuckles
01/08/2019 at 12:51

Yea that’s why I accentuated “idiot” haha . I’m not an idiot anymore but I’m still at least in part, a child. I’ve just turned 34 and have done the majority of growing up over the past 2 years. Having our first (a baby girl) 6 months ago really accelerated that.

CaptDale - is secretly British > Wagon Guy drives a Boostang
01/08/2019 at 14:32

God, that is just.... I am sorry you are dealing with that. I don’t have any experience in that department to offer help, but I suggest doing what you need to to be able to live with all that. I hope things get better for you and your family.

Wagon Guy drives a Boostang > Chuckles
01/08/2019 at 17:45

I’m trying to convey to her that there are options, I’m still unclear as to where my ex really stands on this.

Wagon Guy drives a Boostang > Monkey B
01/08/2019 at 17:52

I only know tht I can’t pull her out of this dumpster fire. This is a fire of her own making, and she chose to jump in.

I spoke with a rep from my insurance company yesterday. Not only will they cover birth of this child, but they’re continue to insure her and if I want even insure the grandchild. Tha t’s where I’m torn. I will happily support my daughter in a general sense, but there are some specifics that I just don’t want to do. If the boy involved here is old enough to father a child he’s old enough to insure that child.

Wagon Guy drives a Boostang > JawzX2, Boost Addict. 1.6t, 2.7tt, 4.2t
01/08/2019 at 17:56

I can hope for such results, but I know my daughter doesn’t know how tough that road is.

Chuckles > Wagon Guy drives a Boostang
01/08/2019 at 18:08

The ex is the mother of this child? If so, you should really talk to her and see what she thinks. All you can do is talk to your daughter and make sure that she sees how this is going to affect her life, and what the consequences of her actions are. Ultimately it’s her choice, but she should be well informed. If she was of the mindset that her and the boyfriend were definitely going to have kids someday anyway, she might not think it’s a big deal to have one now. But it’s a huge deal that is going to alter the course of her life.

People don't like to talk about it, but abortions are a lot more common than people think. It's definitely not something to be taken lightly, but sometimes it is the best choice. I'm sure there are people here who disagree with that, and that's fine.

shop-teacher > Wagon Guy drives a Boostang
01/08/2019 at 18:09

I completely understand you being torn, and I genuinely have no idea how I would respond to this. That said, you probably shouldn’t punish your daughter, and certainly not your grand child, because the father is a loser.

shop-teacher > TheRealBicycleBuck
01/08/2019 at 18:13

“The boy she is seeing is a moron, b ut I think all fathers believe that about their daughter’s boyfriends.”

Well to be fair, most young boys ARE morons.

“The daughter might not deserve it, the boyfriend certainly doesn’t, but that little kid does.”

This.

gmporschenut also a fan of hondas > Tripper
01/08/2019 at 18:14

is there a cut off date?

Monkey B > Wagon Guy drives a Boostang
01/08/2019 at 18:25

I hear ya, and agree that the boy must try and be a man...these day’s that’s a rarity. But regardless of him and his actions, be reasonable in yours with her. Even when it comes to the things you won’t do, be calm and explain what your position is and why. Be clear in your intentions so she’s always clear with your actions. There’ll be a lot she won’t like and most likely will spew venom at times. Just be c lear and concise, but keep your cool. One day it’ll make sense to her and could save your future relationship. Because at the end of the day, no matter what, you guys love each other and that will overcome it all in the end.

You have 8 months to figure out what kind of help you’ll be willing to give in many different scenarios. Take some time and figure out what those things will be.

I hope you aren’t taking this as anything other than friendly advice and not argumentative. I know there are too many details for this advice to be truly effective or, in some cases perhaps, pertinent . Just generally hope that you can make the best of things and keep your kid close no matter what...even if it’s at arms length for a time.

Tripper > gmporschenut also a fan of hondas
01/08/2019 at 19:06

Not thay I'm aware of